really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
