First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
