Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i love accidental penises.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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