So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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