so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
