One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
