I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
