i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
