Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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