girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You dont lie about slip and slides
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pants are for mortals
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
