I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
