you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
