My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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