got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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