That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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