highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
