Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
