Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
