Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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