My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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