my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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