Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
