Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
