I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
