if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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