My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
