she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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