Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
