by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
