last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
