I wish I could punch you in the face.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
it hurts more in the daytime
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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