the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
