I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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