I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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