The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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