She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
