We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
