we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
