For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
