I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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