if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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