This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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