my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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