I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
