i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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