I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
