my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
