im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
