There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
