Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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