Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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