I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
