I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
