Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
